This week I mediated a conflict between a manager and an employee. One of the conversations they had was related to workload and boundaries. The staff person self-identified as a “yes man”, always wanting to help out and always having difficulty saying no. Both parties agreed that he needed to practice drawing “lines in the sand”.
William Ury, in his must-read book “The Power of a Positive No“, describes a simple and effective formula for asserting your “no” in a clear, respectful and positive way. The “positive no” is a boundary assertion that is inserted between two “yeses”, like this:
1. It’s important to me that we work as a team to complete this project on time (Yes).
2. Unfortunately, I can’t work on it this week because of other priorities (No).
3. I can make time to help you early next week, would that work? (Yes).
The “Yes! No.Yes?” approach allows us to remain true to ourselves and our core interests, needs, wants, etc. while maintaining and stengthening important relationships that can get dented when we deny someone something that they are requesting. Try it the next time you are faced with having to say no:
1. Share your deeper “Yes”.
2. Deliver a respectful “No”.
3. Negotiate a healthy “Yes”.
If you don’t have the time to read the book, Ury’s Tip Sheet is a great resource to help you start thinking about and practicing your positive no.
Sandy