A colleague of mine often says that apologizing is a skill, and I think she’s right – people need to learn and practice how to do it well. Apologizing is not something that comes easily or naturally to us human creatures. Part of this is because it’s just plain difficult to acknowledge when we’ve misstepped or hurt someone.
As a parent, I’ve struggled with how to teach my boys to apologize. Just forcing them to “say sorry” at the right time isn’t nearly good enough. A few years ago, a teacher friend gave me an easy formula that she uses to teach kids about what makes a good apology. I loved it. And ever since I’ve used it regularly with my own kids, in my work with clients and as a check point for when I need to apologize myself.
Three critical components of a good apology:
1. Feeling sorry (it always starts with empathy and responsibility)
2. Saying sorry (clear, active and direct acknowledgement)
3. Acting sorry (demonstrating in a concrete way that you are actively taking responsibility and committing to what will be different next time)
Yesterday, I read a great article in the Harvard Business Review on How to Give a Meaningful Apology. Author Mark Goulston talks about the importance of empathy in apologies and says “You can’t walk in someone else’s shoes and step on their toes at the same time”.
He also provides his own similar formula for what he calls a “power apology”:
1. Admit that you were wrong and that you’re sorry
2. Show them that you understand the effect that it had on them
3. Tell them what you are going to do differently in the future so that it won’t happen again
Never assume that part of the apology can be left unsaid, he writes. And I agree.
What do you think?
Sandy