What is conflict?
Conflict = differences + tension. In my 20 years of work and study in the field, this is the simplest and most useful definition of conflict I have come across. This definition suggests that any time you are experiencing a difference with another person (or group) and that difference is accompanied by tension, even a small degree, you have a conflict. Of course, just because you have a conflict doesn’t mean you have to take some sort of overt action to address it.
Some differences + tension we simply notice and, over time, that tension dissipates and the conflict with it. Or we make a conscious decision to “let it go” – accept the difference – and so no longer experience tension around that difference. Or we may decide that although the tension remains, it is not significant enough to warrant taking action. Some conflicts, however, are intense or important enough that some sort of action is needed to change or resolve the situation.
Is conflict necessarily a bad thing?
Conflict is okay. The conflict-free human being or family or workplace or neighbourhood does not exist and, moreover, has never existed. That’s right: the conflict-free life is a myth! It’s an idea we use to torture ourselves. Peace is not about the absence of conflict but about the presence of things. Things like respect, justice, equality, and love. These qualities, in turn, imply not the eradication of differences (how boring would that be!) but the willingness to work with our differences.
Peace, then, is the capacity both to resolve particular problems and to manage our many differences that will never be “resolved.” Since differences (i.e. diversity) – both in terms of biosphere and culture – are what make our world the vibrant, exciting, and life-sustaining place that it is, we would do well to learn from them, allowing them to transform us rather than seeing them as the enemy. So, no, conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. Inasmuch as it is natural and can yield great things, it is arguably even a good thing! The Chinese characters for the word crisis translate in English as “danger + opportunity.” This is also a useful way to think about conflict.
Embedded in each conflict in our lives is both danger and opportunity. What is that danger? That we will hurt others, hurt ourselves, and destroy the bonds that make us human. Yes, that’s heavy! So what about the opportunity? That we will learn from others, come to know ourselves more deeply, and grow and strengthen the bonds that make us human. Well, that sounds pretty good. So while the stakes with conflict are admittedly pretty high, we each have crucial choices to make that help to determine the outcome. Conflict is inevitable, but combat is a choice!
At what point does conflict become destructive?
When we respond to the tension in our life by going to war, conflict becomes destructive. When we attack others, conflict has become an explosive force for harm. Attack can take many forms. While physical violence is the most obvious example, it is possible to attack people viciously without ever laying a hand on them. Attacks can be verbal, psychological, economic, direct and indirect. Using our social networks to isolate, demean, suppress, or exploit others are more indirect forms of attack. This is destructive conflict in action and almost always results in losses for all parties involved in the long run.
Another point at which conflict becomes destructive is when we simply ignore a situation that needs to be addressed. Fearing the more overt damage cited above, we may suppress our own legitimate needs, concerns, expectations, and rights rather than confront the conflict. While often practiced by well-meaning people who “just wanna get along,” a consistent pattern of conflict avoidance can lead to the gradual disintegration of self-respect and relationships. When this occurs, conflict has become an implosive force for harm and, again, usually results in losses for all parties involved.
What are the most common causes of conflict between individuals?
The causes of conflict between individuals are as diverse as the individuals who have those conflicts. Still, we can point to some common causes including resources, process, unmet psychological or relational needs, and value differences. The most basic cause of conflict is one over a limited pool of resources. There is only so much money to go around in the household and there are competing demands for its use.
But differences over process may also be a contributing factor. That is, the conflict is not only about a specific purchase in dispute but about how decisions about what to buy get made. One partner in the household expected the other to consult her before making the decision to sign a rent-to-own agreement on a new 72-inch flat-screen, plasma TV! However, she may also be upset because her voice is not respected in family decision-making in general (psychological/relational need) and because she believes that her household would be better served by spending the money on a vacation rather than on a bigger TV (value difference).
What are some of the most common causes of conflict in workplaces, organizations, and communities?
Many of the same causes outlined above are also at play in workplace or organizational disputes. Beyond this, simple misunderstandings and miscommunication are perhaps the biggest source of tension in workplaces. One area where such misunderstanding thrives is in the contemporary worker’s reliance on non face-to-face modes of communication, especially when dealing with sensitive matters. Given that 93% of communication is carried by tone and body language and not words, the use of email and text to discuss matters of nuance arguably dramatically increases the chances of such misunderstanding-based conflict.
The problem is compounded when – impacted negatively by a given e-exchange – many workers will often assume negative intentions on the part of the other person without ever checking it out or sharing that impact. In my experience, most workers are not seeking to annoy or demean their colleagues, but are acting in what appears to them to be the most rational, appropriate manner. This is not to say people do not do unwise things that escalate conflict. Indeed, they do it every day, otherwise workplace mediators would not have the thriving businesses we have! Rather, it is to say that most of us do not wake up in the morning thinking: “Hmm, let’s see. How can I cause tension with my peers today?” In this sense, conflict is often the result of genuinely different perceptions of what constitutes proper behaviour and related misunderstandings rather than a desire to hurt.
Another common cause of conflict in the organization is what I will call sick systems. When the policies, procedures, and practices of the larger institution are or are perceived to be ineffectual, unjust, or antiquated, conflict is inevitable. For example, if a board of directors presides over a structure which leaves the Director of a community-based organization feeling unheard, chances are much higher that this feeling of disaffection will spread like a toxic virus throughout the organization.
What are some examples of good ways to respond to conflict?
This is a very big question. I will narrow it some by focusing on interpersonal conflict.
- The first step in responding effectively to interpersonal conflict is the ability to recognize that you are in conflict before the tension manifests in any outward behaviour. This is a matter of self-awareness; the ability to notice the very first inklings of inner tension within your mind, heart, and body. In your past experience, what are the earliest signs of such tension within you?
- Once you have noticed this rub, the next step is figuring out what that tension is about. What specific behaviour is causing the frustration? What specific need or expectation of yours is not being met by the other person?
- The third step is making the crucial decision about whether this internal rub (still known only to you and not the other party) needs to be addressed. Is the difference + tension a one-time thing or a pattern? Will it still trouble you a week from now? If the tension is going to continue to trouble you and the relationship, you probably need to address it. If not, it may be one you can let go.
- Assuming you have decided that the matter is one that needs to be addressed, the next step involves approaching the other person. This is the scary part. Facilitated Solutionssuggests trying the following steps of what we call the Perspective Check:
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- Check-In (Have you got a minute to talk?)
- Describe the Behaviour (Last week, I noticed that you made the decision to sign a rent-to-own agreement on that TV and that we did not discuss it together first…)
- Ask about Their Intent (Can you tell me more about that? What was going on for you?) – be sure to truly listen and ensure that you understand. (Okay, so you felt like it was time for a new TV and with the playoffs just starting it seemed like the ideal time…)
- Share the Impact on You (For me, I felt surprised that you made that decision without talking to me. I was also anxious in terms of whether we can afford it…)
- Continue discussion as necessary
Sometimes the above results in a better understanding and a clear plan for how you will each relate differently in future. At other times, the above merely reveals deeper differences (values and assumptions) and the need for a more in-depth discussion. We suggest that you engage such discussions carefully in a spirit of listening and that often such negotiations need to take place in two parts (Part 1 – hearing each other out. Part 2 – coming to solutions/agreements for future).
At other times, the other person is not willing to engage a discussion or they are willing but the two of you are unable to resolve the matter on your own. This is where a trusted friend or a professionally trained conflict resolution practitioner might be able to be of assistance. In certain situations, the person with whom you have a conflict may have no interest in participating in any efforts to deal with it. At that point you have some hard choices: I) drop the matter entirely; II) explore whether there are other means at your disposal to increase the pressure on the other party to engage, or III) withdraw from the relationship or limit your contact with the other person.
Having said this, a proactive approach (see Perspective Check above) decreases the chances of having to go to options II or III. Therefore, it is important to remember that one of the best ways of responding to conflict is not to deny it but to expect it and respond non-anxiously when it occurs, as it inevitably will. Happy conflict management!