By Dave Dyck
In his book, Becoming Human, Jean Vanier proposes that in order to grow into the mature, whole, wise and therefore productive individuals, families, workplaces, and societies that we aspire to be, we must – paradoxically – move towards our struggles, our immaturity, our brokenness. This is especially true, he suggests, for those of us who aspire to leadership.
But what can he mean? Does “moving towards” our limitations mean downplaying our strengths? Surely he doesn’t expect us to just placidly, passively accept or – even worse – wallow in our weaknesses?
No, that’s not it. Vanier (1998, p.100-101) explains:
Those of us with power and social standing have subtle ways of hiding our inner handicaps, our difficulties in relationships, our inner darkness and violence, our depression and lack of self-confidence. When all is well we may fall into conceit…when there are difficulties or failures, we can fall into self-deprecation and depression. How difficult it is to accept our limits and handicaps as well as our gifts and capacities. We feel that if others see us as we really are they might reject us. So we cover over our weaknesses…But then I began to realize that in order to accept other people’s disabilities and to help them to grow, it was fundamental to accept my own.
Equanimity
So, it’s not so much about focusing on our weaknesses and compulsions while denying or ignoring our gifts so much as it’s about accepting them both (and working with both) with something like equanimity. With non-anxiety. That is the mark of a leader, or at least one who leads with the natural authority that arises from genuine respect and affection.
In Comfortable with Uncertainty, contemplative Pema Chodron (2002, p.9-10), puts it this way:
For an aspiring bodhisattva (or leader), the essential practice is to cultivate…loving-kindness. The…teachings speak of ‘placing your fearful mind in the cradle of loving-kindness.’ Another image…is that of a mother bird who protects and cares for her young until they are strong enough to fly away. People sometimes ask, ‘Who am I – the mother or the chick?’ The answer is we’re both: both the loving mother and those ugly little chicks. It’s easy to identify with the babies – blind, raw, and desperate for attention. We are a poignant mixture of something that isn’t all that beautiful and yet is dearly loved. Whether this is our attitude towards ourselves or towards others it is the key…We stay with ourselves and others when we’re screaming for food and have no feathers and also when we are more grown up and appealing by worldly standards.
Trust as Foundation
Noted business consultant and author, Patrick Lencioni, agrees. In his book, Five Dysfunctions of a Team (2002), Lencioni argues that the presence of trust is the core foundation that all other elements of a high-functioning team are built upon. When team members trust each other, they are able to “mine for conflict”, make collective commitments, hold each other accountable, and ultimately achieve results.
Conversely, when distrust has set in (and especially if it is growing like a cancer), team members adopt a stance of invulnerability; i.e. they avoid conflict, they fail to buy into group commitments, shun accountability and ultimately fail to achieve meaningful results together which, in the end, leads to unhappiness, a lack of job fulfilment and turnover, sick time, stress leaves, grievances etc., etc.
So, what is the antidote to this downward spiral into a hellish vortex of distrust? How can we keep trust – and all its spin-off benefits – strong on our work teams?
Vulnerability – The Key to Trust
Lencioni suggests that exercising the muscle of vulnerability (i.e. looking honestly at our “featherless” state with what Chodron calls a “clear-seeing kindness”) builds trust and then all the good stuff flows from that. Though, let’s get real, not immediately. Not overnight. Not like some magic wand. In fact, whereas trust can fall like an elevator, it generally climbs like a staircase. That which can be shattered in an instant takes time to rebuild.
But that long climb to recovery can be undertaken and it starts with the leader being willing to show vulnerability. Real leaders, Lencioni concludes, “go first.” So just what does a leader “going first” with vulnerability look like?
In a talk available on YouTube, Lencioni shares the story of a Fortune 500 company leader who decisively demonstrated what it does not look like. Faced with a report that indicated his team felt he was a weak listener and did not provide enough positive feedback, the CEO chose to review the results and in a manner, tone, and choice of words that kept his armour firmly in place (e.g. “Hmm…says here I could stand to give more positive feedback. I thought I had really improved at that. What do you say?”…glaring, begrudging silence).
Lencioni relates that – because of the defensive tone set by the CEO – the gathered team did not feel safe and, as a result, ultimately chose to reassure their leader that there was no problem with his performance after all; that this was all just a big misunderstanding. The author states “that was the day that CEO lost all credibility and also sent a message to his team: ‘I’m never going to be vulnerable and you shouldn’t be either.’” Eventually, said company went out of business and – although the Wall Street Journal cited “strategic problems” – Lencioni argues that that was a “downstream symptom; the real problem was that there was no trust on that team. And it started with the leader who couldn’t be vulnerable.”
Making a Leadership Statement
Alternatively, Lencioni says, the leader “did not have to do anything weird.” Instead, he just needed to briefly acknowledge the specificity of the concerns (“Okay, I see my listening skills have come up again and I know that’s true…”), humbly state that he had work to do (“But I’m aware of this now again and want to share with you my ongoing commitment to get better at it”), and genuinely offer his thanks to his team (“Thanks for your feedback, everyone. Thanks for risking honesty with me”).
The leaders who can do this, Lencioni concludes, the ones “who know their humanity and the issues they have”, these “are the leaders we’ll walk through walls of fire for…but you can’t trust someone if they don’t know who they are and they aren’t comfortable with who they are, because then you have to protect them from their ego. Which is why vulnerability is such a powerful thing.”
Our experience as a firm is 100% congruent with the counsel of Vanier, Chodron, and Lencioni. Working every day with leaders and teams who are struggling, we are privileged to witness – again and again – the transformative potential of the vulnerable leader. The leader who – after a team assessment conducted as a part of team renewal or mediation effort – can forthrightly “own their stuff” is the leader who, again and again and again, gives him/herself the very best chance of turning things around. Having walked the talk, they can also now legitimately, credibly ask others to do the same.
It’s Your Choice
So, what’s it going to be? What about us? What about you? Our society rejects weakness and glorifies strength. Yet the voices of wisdom cited here and our own professional experience suggests, counter culturally and counter-intuitively, that just the opposite is true: we will reach our full potential and achieve greatly only when we can move towards both our strengths and weaknesses with equanimity and honesty.
What do you think? Could it be true? What’s your experience? What would such an approach look like in your setting? What fruits might it bear? Or not?
I’d love to hear from you. And thanks for reading.